Big News!
The Villains are at McDonalds!
I am writing this from an undisclosed McDonald’s, and I just spotted Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) and Do Kwon eating Big Macs next to a Ronald McDonald statue.
Wait a moment. Alex Mashinsky just showed up.
I am now sitting in a McDonald’s with the three biggest frauds in crypto who have ever lived.
No way. Gary Gensler just walked in. Now the biggest fraud in crypto is sitting in my McDonald’s with all the other frauds.
What are they doing? I need to get closer.
Fortunately, I ordered a Happy Meal. The toy is a spy camera and recorder. I might be able to hear them if I can just get behind the Ronald McDonald statue.
Alright I made it… and they spotted me. This is a problem.
Well They Locked Me Up
They locked me in the janitor’s closet at the McDonald’s, but they were kind enough to tell me their evil plans and give me another Happy Meal. They’re like James Bond villains, just way more nerdy.
SBF loved telling me how he and Do Kwon broke out of prison. Apparently, P. Diddy helped them escape but got left behind. No one seemed that upset about it. It was a really boring story to listen to. Especially when SBF read his “Dear P. Diddy” letter out loud to me. He did voices, finger puppets, and a lot of crying.
It was pure torture.
All of them, except Gary, are fleeing the country. He gave each of them a fake ID and $100,000 so they can start over. They already have a new business idea.
Kenya.
Apparently that’s the place to start a company and buy a supervillain mansion.
Most importantly, they’re not going into crypto this time. Their new scam is selling tulips. It worked really well in the 1600s, and they think they can pull it off again.
They will claim to have bred special colors of tulips, but in reality, they just spray paint the flowers. Do Kwon looked at me and said, “People are so stupid they will believe anything.”
At that point, I tried my hardest to break down the door and foil their evil plan.
But I couldn’t get out.
It’s an electronic door that only opens when the ice cream machine is online.
Gary just laughed at me and said, “No one will ever believe you.” Then he told me he’s getting a cut of all their future businesses and is helping them set up the Kenyan Prince Scam. It’s like the Nigerian Prince scam, but better.
Alex Mashinsky came up with the business model. And you know if he comes up with a business idea, it’s pure gold.
I tried to stop them, but the McDonald’s closet was just too strong. It took hours before the janitor let me out. And he wouldn’t do it unless I donated to Ronald McDonald House first.
It was a horrible sacrifice to give him that nickel.
But someone needs to call the police before they get away with it.
You believe me, don’t you?
Final Word
Happy April Fools Day!